Lost In A Thousand Days
by Ember Nickel
Summary: Drabble sequence: In his darkest dreams, Jake seems to believe, their destiny is tied.
1. 000 Jake

Oh, not _again_.

No, not again. Not the same time, this time. It isn't like I _jumped _forward, this time, I _lived_.

This is my…bed. My childhood home.

Or maybe this isn't real?

It's like six in the morning. Do I have school tomorrow? Today?

****.

But who can I _ask_? Is…

Cassie.

I can always talk to Cassie.

* * *

And you'd think, after how many years of sneaking around, I could keep quiet.

"Jake?"

"Yeah."

"Are you okay?"

"No. No." And I start to cry, right there in the kitchen.

I can't tell Mom why, but she holds me anyway.


	2. 056 Dan

My daughter. That's my daughter they're talking about.

I pray ragged prayers, words I haven't said for months supplemented by new cries, cry until I am out of words, fall asleep in front of the TV. I wake to a rush of discussion, already talking heads are discussing what it might mean. I change the channel to one where people are still confused, unsure what just happened. I remember the cocky grin on the woman who had just passed her bar exam. It is a stupid hour in the morning. I lean over the toilet but my stomach is empty.


	3. 162 Ax

_Author's Note: Double parentheses, here and onward, indicate thoughtspeak._

Has my _Garibah_ grown since I left the homeworld? I press my hands against it and memories rush back, of being here, thinking I had something worth confessing, and of Earth.

I must stand there for a long time, for my father asks ((Aximili?))

((Yes?))

((I do not mean to interrupt, but…do you remember the ritual?))

((Of course! But I am unsure if I deserve forgiveness. I have made right…or have I? The Yeerk who killed Elfangor still lives, and I am not sure it would be right to kill him.))

His eyes smile. ((You remind me of someone familiar.))


	4. 742 Andrew

Jake Berenson? Sure I knew him. Went to middle school with the guy. Wild. Knew them all—well, just those ones my age, obviously. Rachel, you could tell she was destined for _something_. Whoo-ee, she was _hot_, know what I mean? Tobias, eh, didn't look too heroic to me, but we're all a little blind at that age.

Well, not _all_ of us. Jake, he's the kind of guy who'd pull dweebs he didn't know out of toilets cause it was the right thing to do. Saw him do that—we were what, thirteen?—and knew he'd save the world.


	5. 050 Erek

"You're a robot."

If he expects me to be insulted, I've heard a lot worse. "That I am."

"I'm going to lead a battle with my friends, family I maybe shouldn't have let get involved, a bunch of Hork-Bajir, some insane campers, and a whole pile of Taxxons plus one Taxxon _nothlit_ I've barely met—and half of _that_ was in another dimension thing. Why is it that the part of the plan I trust least is a _machine_?"

"Because humans adapt their means to fit the ends they already have in mind, and androids are the other way around."


	6. 200 Rachel

"I mean, this is completely outside our frame of reference," he shrugs.

((I must apologize,)) says Doctor Long-name. ((The requisite nanotechnology should have arrived by now for fuller inspections. But if what Doctor Jones said is true,)) (Jones glares a little at this. Andalites. Same on every planet,) ((there is no need to rush. So far as we know, her lifespan will be that of a normal human.))

I glance at my mom. "Go for it," she nods.

Eagle's been my default as of late for this kind of thing. ((Lifespan will be that of a normal human,)) I repeat.


	7. 468 Marco

"I mean," I say, and take another sip, "somewhere—" The music is loud, no one can hear us, I wave my hand. "Some_where,_ you know, there's a…alternate universe or something. No aliens, no war, just the two of us in an epic romantic comedy. Blockbuster. I can see it now. We were…"

_made_ for each other, I want to say, but that can't be right. She just happened to me. To all of us.

"Marco?"

"Yeah."

"I'm not _comic_. I'm not…I'm not retorting back at everything you say. I'm just…you're…_you_."

That I am. And for today, that's a start.


	8. 623 Forlay

Anseelnar looks just like all of Aximili's fawning admirers, but she is quiet. They whisper to each other, I know. He has visited her parents, who live in the spaceport, and he has not brought anyone else to visit like this before. She is not morph-capable, nor wants to be. Right now they are just grazing together.

Maybe they will stay together, maybe they won't. I don't know what I am expecting, but I feel Aximili will settle down with, if not Anseelnar, someone like her; flirtatious but unexceptional.

And perhaps, one day, the family will have some _normal_ members.


	9. 001 Cassie

"I'm not sure if I can do this anymore."

I bite my lip because sometimes I wonder too, but let him talk.

"Things have...I'm just not sure. About my memory."

Does he know about the Drode's trick? "Do you think you've forgotten something?"

"No. Opposite problem. I remember too much. What was the last thing we did?"

"What?"

"I remember...things that haven't happened yet. Maybe that won't have to happen. Will we...okay." He swears. "Does the word "Animorphs" mean anything to you?"

"Jake, are you okay?" But he has not been for a long time. "Yes."

"Okay," he exhales. "Okay."


	10. 100 The Great Ones

The water surges the songs to us; distant images of new things on the land. Old things coming out of the water below, faraway things changing into things of land. _So again we follow_, they sing. _We who were late to see as you saw, we who were late to become as you became. Late, so at cost we cannot measure. And yet not too late for all of us. Not too far gone._

Songs of life meeting life, moving, changing. Songs of what came out of the sky and what went into it. Songs of loss, songs of victory.


	11. 003 Peter

She grips my hand at night, strong. I cannot tell whether she is trying to protect me, as if anything we know can defend us with the world changing, or trying to hold on to me in desperate gratitude. I know my skin is clammy and weak; even now with her by my side I am still unable to get up and live my life. All the words I thought I would have for this moment are gone.

I gently curl my muscles underneath her, anything to tell her that I can feel her and am thankful for her touch.


	12. 419 Sara

"Hey, kid, beat it." He's a big guy, hooded sweatshirt and arms folded. "I don't have time to deal with you, I've got fifteen third-graders and a cooler full of juice boxes to deal with. Unless you want to set up cones all afternoon, scram."

I needed somewhere to be physical and part of me just sort of assumes I'm going to tweak at him but all of a sudden I feel calm. "All right already. Cool it." Well, not _that_ calm.

It's not till I'm running home I realize why I'm happy. He has no idea who I am.


	13. 004 Cassie

((Just eat it.))

He, it, snorts. "Easy for you to say."

((Eat the thing. Or we'll find someone else who can.))

"Go ahead. I'm starving here. I have nothing to lose."

((Weakening your host body won't help. If you want to get out of this.))

"What do you want with me? I'm not anybody important."

((We're giving you chances to make this easy. Some of us think we're giving you too many chances.))

"This is not easy. You don't know what hard _is_."

((Try me.))

He, they, meet the wolf's eyes. I tell the wolf to take a little over.


	14. 289 Eyeyrass

It never gets easier. Sometimes I feel like it's harder every day, but that's impossible. I lived before; lived with a filthy Yeerk in my head, yes, but I will not call my slaver a crutch.

Sithee, my Sithee, stares at me with what only a few can know is love in her eyes. "I cannot do this," I say. "Living in peace when you are like this."

"Do not worry, my love," she says. "You will meet your challenge in time."

_I meet it every night, trying to remember how I _survived. I keep silent. Until then, we sleep.


	15. 002 Ax

It is a trivialty for me to hack into the system, of course. I wonder why no one asked me to do this before.

Jake shudders when her name comes up on the screen; dead of a complication from surgery three Earth years ago, on the other side of this "country." (Human terminology.)

There is much I wish I had learned of this unusual family of mine. But after all the events of the day, while Rachel and Marco guard our captive, my _shorm_ and I stand by the water to carry out a belated funeral ritual, and I teach.


	16. 378 Katie

I decide not to push the issue.

"Okay, but then, then the Helmacrons," says Marco, "we can do."

"We can't do the Helmacrons. Not after, you know."

"Does she even know?"

((I'll check. No. No, she doesn't.))

"How can she not know about the Helmacrons? That was epic!"

"Would _you_ tell her?"

"Sure I would."

"What are the Helmacrons?" I ask.

"We'll…talk it over and tell you later," says Marco after glances around. Thoughtspeak? Can't be. "Um…then what happened?"

"The Kandrona business," says Jake.

"Oh yeah. Were we seriously polar bears, going through the Arctic? That is so messed up."


	17. 852 Doctor Jones

Where once one lively brown dog had been scampering across the floor there now stands one-and-a-half. "Keep going," I say as she freezes in wonder. "All the way, keep focusing on the dog, and when you're done think about your human body."

She continues to shrink. I know the traditional signs of first morphers, but she's the third in a row with a completely new set of reactions. ((Doctor Jones? Is this thoughtspeak? Can you hear me?))

I cannot respond intelligibly, so I just wave my hands to pantomime _grow_. But of course, Elena doesn't know what visual gestures mean.


	18. 571 Marco

"It's just awkward, being with you."

I could have my pick of any number of people who wouldn't be awkward with me. But here I am.

"Like, before? Maybe it was having someone to keep me...grounded. In a sense. Or the other way around."

"You do stuff for me."

"How?"

"You're someone to compare myself to, who...makes _me_ look grounded."

"Thanks."

"I've spent too long fighting for people in general. I want a person in specific. Mom and Dad set their standards too low, they have each other and don't even know what to do with _that_."

"You'll find persons."


	19. 052 Erek

"What do you want?"

"I wanted to talk to you," says Cassie. "I don't think anyone else will understand."

"Cassie, I'm not like you. It's not that I'm choosing, I have rules that I _can't_...well, that would require..."

"It's not like that. I mean, if we pull this off, Visser One is out of the picture. So is the old Visser One. The Yeerks are really hit."

"Yes."

"All that stuff the Ellimist told us about maybe the Yeerks meeting the Iskoort in a couple centuries, that was all for nothing. They won't have _time_. It's all happening so _fast_."


	20. 616 Toby

"Now I…" Jake cuts off. "Have some idea. Not understand. But what it's like for you...Knowing things. That others can't get at."

"This is my family's curse." And blessing. "I haven't lived through another time."

He nods. "Are you happy here?"

"Compared to what? It isn't exactly like I've had a normal life by any species' measure. What do you want from me?"

Jake sighs. "Would you like a new species to measure up against?"

"No. What do you mean?"

He stares.

"I'm not going to explain myself to you."

"Yes or no?"

"How long before you're just normally exhausted?"


	21. 061 Hedrick

"I can't—" But she breaks off. She _can_ believe it, believe that her parents were collaborators with the slug army.

"And don't try to sugarcoat it as being for my own good," she adds. "Watching you stop care about me, about everything, _that's not freedom_."

She runs up the stairs to cry again, Marjorie stays put, and I just shake my head. Not about Melissa—she'll come around in time, he I know—but I still can't believe one of her old, _young_ friends was, before anything else, _mature _enough to almost hold them at bay for three years.


	22. 234 Jake

"I know this is a long shot," Ellen asks, trembling. "But I just can't believe how your parents must have felt, knowing that these were actually _their children_, how Naomi managed, and Dan, everyone who'd been living with Controllers..."

This, I suddenly realize, isn't about me or Rachel or anyone else. "I...Saddler's dead," I hoarsely blurt and doesn't look at her face. "He wasn't one of us. Or a Yeerk. Things happened, other things, we…I'm sorry."

Part of me wants to say _I've _been _sorry_, another part wants toapologize for being so emotionless, but her eyes are dry too.


	23. 970 Mertil

((Any progress?)) a gentle voice asks. That's what I notice the most, what my voice "sounds" like from outside. Not deep or jovial, just this wispy little thing.

((Yes. Nimingar is coming around, I think he'll concede there are some circumstances when it's okay, and anti-_vecol_ sentiment has been dropping off ever since the trials from Earth.))

((It's still so slow.))

((You're one to talk! Tell the galaxy what's happened, if you want to speed things along. Honestly, this coming from the same Andalite who complained about how little time he had…))

((Not the same Andalite.)) Gafinilan wags my tail.


	24. 332 Rachel

"I..." Jake stammers. Again. Does he expect me to read his thoughts? "Does Crayak ever bother you?" I don't think that's what he wants to ask.

"No." My smile is half-forced. "We won, didn't we? I think he's given up."

"All right." He can go from grateful to fearful so _quickly_. "I just worry about you sometimes. Without the war, where do you...take it all out?"

"Jake. I'm more than a fighter. I always have been."

We see each other all the time, but sometimes it seems like that's the only part of me he remembers, that lives in him.


	25. 004 Jara

More humans come to the valley. Families of Animorphs. Teacher Naomi with the books. Big-mouth Walter who cares for Hork-Bajir. Tom who is not free.

Toby says, it is scary to bring so many humans here. I tell Toby, she was born in freedom with her family. I tell her to look at her friend Tobias who has no mother or father. She does not know what it is like to not be free. To be always afraid for your family. It is good for the humans to bring their family. It is good for them to fight for freedom.


	26. 720 Katie

"Twelve thousand _nothlits_," I read, "of whom nine thousand human. Three thousand morph-capable, most of whom will not become _nothlits_. The rest aren't in our records, though several hundred of them are otherwise dead."

He looks at me a long time. "Katie," he finally says, "I need you to help me."

"I'm not going to track down a couple thousand missing Yeerks."

"No. You're not. You're going to help me write another book or two. And we're not going to publish it. I'll pay you what you want, just help me get through this."

I would agree without the money.


	27. 600 Charles and Madeline

_Dear Darwin and Madra,_

_You're probably sick of mysterious strangers jerking your lives around so I'll keep this brief. I'm not some long-lost family member but…kind of. Don't try to do the math. Aliens just screw everything up._

_Stay in school. Listen to your teachers. Don't let your...foster?...parents too close to them. You now both have a trust fund for college, which is apparently fun. I wouldn't know._

_Don't let the world get you down. There are lots of worlds out there. But you knew that._

_I'll write again when I'm feeling less deep. Not sure why I'm doing this._


	28. 838 Anseelnar

((I would follow you to distant waters or stars, and I know you care for me too. We are very different Andalites but equal in esteem. Why will you not speak of your future with me?))

((I cannot bind you to me. I loved you because you saw me for who I am, not just Aximili the hero, but if you marry me you marry him too. I cannot bring someone so gentle into so bright a glare.))

Somehow I've known it would be this. ((You must look elsewhere for someone who can stand with you. May I recommend Earth?))


	29. 083 Esplin

Edriss was always the better diplomat. Time to borrow from her book.

((Me? _Me? _Look into the records of Alloran-Semitur-Corrass and _there _you will find your war-criminal!))

And they do. He was disgraced but not debarred, of course and the Electorate eventually pressures the military to declassify more and more material until the truth about the Hork-Bajir homeworld, the near-truth about Earth, comes out. And they adopt new, formal, policies! The Andalites never pretended his honor lingered when it did not, but neither did they deny that honor might still endure. They chose a middle path. Still they walk it.


	30. 873 Sithee

((We don't need any more children. Next time, let's stay.))

((So weak,)) I tease—I am the only one who knows my Eyeyrass' limits—((You think I cannot endure a few moments each day?))

((Moments, of course. But a whole gestation?))

((We'll see. For now, we can live day to day.))

At first we grieved that Arbron could not see our victory, but now we are partway grateful he does not envy us these hours. Someday when they learn control we will teach our wriggling, writhing, children freedom, but for now we are a family as placid as is possible.


	31. 536 Rachel

((Oh, good grief. I'm not brave.))

((Yes you are. Of course you are. Don't be silly.))

((_You're_ brave. You fought through the war. But me? I had one job, just one, and I couldn't do it. I chickened out. Well. Not chicken. Were you ever a chicken?))

((No. But you survived, you adapted…))

((Adapted? Ten more seconds and maybe I wouldn't have gotten as far as I did, maybe I wouldn't biologically have been able to last the week.))

((_But you did_. At least…at least you haven't hurt as many people as I have. And I get through my regrets.))


	32. 010 Jake

It's not quite a gut feeling, not quite drawing on the…_was _it a memory? I still don't know. It just feels like a risk, maybe too big a risk worth taking.

But maybe that's just because they're our family. I love Jordan and Sara because they're my cousins, I don't want them to get hurt, but they're what we have, and they had no less choice in the matter than we did.

"Okay. If you're sure."

"All right!" Jordan grins. "Let's do this."

Marco rolls his eyes. "Don't tell me you've been prepping her for this moment."

"What?" says Jordan.


	33. 067 Naomi

"Is there anything I can do?"

I glare at him—he smells of panic and looks like he's deliberately checked his professionalism into an unassuming hotel. "What do you _think_? No one on Earth has ever been through anything like this. No one _off_ Earth either."

"I'm not going to make silly advances. I don't have any answers. But I want to ask some of the questions. And I want to be here for the girls."

"Dad?" He has to give Sara a once-over before realizing who's stammering. She glances at me before deciding not to hug him or something.


	34. 005 Marco

"Just tell me what the pragmatic Marco thinks."

"This _is _me seeing things pragmatically. He has information, he's in favor with the Visser up to a point, I mean compared to my mom, she doesn't know as much as she thinks she does, and we're all he has. Don't let him into anyone, just let him acquire a beaver or something and make sure he stays two hours. Or do a _Frolis_…Jake, you all right?"

His teeth are chattering and he won't look at me or Cassie or anybody. "I, I just really don't think this is a good idea."


	35. 913 Rachel

_To the anonymous reviewer from last chapter: I might be misremembering something, but I got the feeling that Yeerks could show their hosts as much or as little as the Yeerks wanted to. Could be wrong, though._

((It's about time. Literally, too. This thing is a bear to haul around.))

((What do you know about hauling bears around?))

((Less than I'd like.))

We land on some isolated beach and demorph. ((Talk to one of your)) "frenshinna nanotech department," he says as his mouth forms, "tell them to get on making clocks that birds can wear."

((We don't need)) "to hide anymore, it's okay if people see us."

"Do you really want the media seeing us like this? I mean, even I like some privacy once in a while."

"Good" ((point.)) We remorph and take to the air.


	36. 005 Tom

It's harder than I expected. The bandits keep watch—more of them, it was only two at a time before—as it keeps screaming.

((Here we go. Hold tight,)) says the gorilla, putting one hand on my shoulder and reaching the other to my face.

It can't pull the thing out. "What are you—" I blurt.

_I _blurt.

The Yeerk spits itself out into the gorilla's paw, and I stumble to the ground. "Thank you. Thank you. It's right, I have information, I can help you." It's right, there's no sign why they want me.

The tiger's stripes fade.


	37. 354 Erek

"But the morphing technology, that proves that you can isolate DNA from different species in weird ways. I'm sure there would be Andalites who would look into it if you explained."

"Even if we had the technology, I personally wouldn't want to try. The Pemalites belonged to a different time—whatever we salvaged of them wouldn't be at home here or anywhere."

Michelle nods, unconvinced. "When you showed us that…that movie, of what Cassie had been through. And what might happen to her?"

"That was made-up," I explain. "We can't actually look at alternate universes or anything crazy like that."


	38. 006 Jake

Whoever's running _this _show doesn't go for irony. Does that mean it's real?

Was the dream just a test? Was someone trying to give me hints about how to win? Advice on what to do afterwards? But if Loren's been dead for _years_, I don't know how much has changed.

Cassie's talking. "I can morph Yeerk. Go inside you and we'll head back, tell them you found Kandrona somewhere else."

"Now that we've all disappeared?" says Marco. "Yeah, that'll work."

"Maybe just look around and see if you can notice any plots," I say. Have to use what I have.


	39. 161 Alloran

Fathers should know something of their daughters, I think, so all the ride back I download their publications. Mahersha's study of grass ecology is intractable to non-scientists, and Indiri's treatise on electoral reform is impractical. Or would have been before, I tell myself; perhaps she will become an expert on trade with humans.

I had hoped for strong sons, who would see the worlds with eyes unblinded by the Electorate's stories. But there stand Mahersha and Jonyar, Eltheen at their feet; there is Indiri, trembling; and there is Jahar at a gallop. My wish-flowers have bloomed in the dry grass.


	40. 047 Efflit

Ever since Ifsnut disappeared I've been, nominally, in charge of the disgruntled, and when the Visser calls me in to speak with him I wish that I could warn the others.

But he doesn't seem to be onto us. ((Efflit, have we not agreed that the original "bandits" were most likely human after all?))

"That was the suggested assumption, yes."

((Then why, do you think, we are receiving reports of unmorphed Andalites and rogue Hork-Bajir infiltrating the pool?))

"I'm not sure, Visser. Have more Andalites landed?"

He scowls as much as an Andalite can. ((They wouldn't. I know their protocol.))


	41. 713 Cassie

"I love you," I say, assuming without thought that this is one of those nights when it's all he needs to hear.

But I'm wrong. "How do you know?"

"What?"

"I've never felt this way about anyone else before. I've never given you time to date anyone else. How do you know this is really love and you wouldn't be happier with someone else?"

"I _couldn't_ be happier with anyone else."

He opens his mouth, closes it, hugs me, and I almost see him mouth _that wasn't me_. I remember something, vaguely, but that was not either of us either.


	42. 925 Tom

I tried dribbling a basketball yesterday. I did fine to start, so I went down to the playground, late at night when none of the kids would be there, and started shooting. That was hard going at first, and I was just getting the feel for it when I realized how low the hoop was and how easy it should have been. Here I am, an adult, out of practice and no longer able to keep up at the one thing I used to be good at. Now I'm not good at anything except being famous.

Sometimes life really sucks.


	43. 054 Marco

Jake and Rachel seem about to throw up and tear the ship apart until everybody's accounted for, in that order, so I answer. "We're the Animorphs. The Earth resistance? Got this ship under control? Yeah. Hi."

((Why should I believe you?))

"Ax!" we all yell as he walks in, harrowed but alive and uninjured.

But now the dude on the screen is even more confused. ((And you would be…?))

((You wanted to verify their identities?)) Ax asks. ((Check your computer to see if any files have been uploaded recently.))

And his stalk eyes widen further. ((Who—what is going on?))


	44. 961 Indiri

Apparently there are _humans_ now that can keep track of the changing Z-space distances, but that doesn't change the fact that we're at their whims. I pace the transport, cooped up here with my fellow taste corporation representatives.

Among others. ((I owe you my thanks.))

He modestly replies ((I was just following orders. And there were some I diso…well, that's not important now.))

((Oh, this is not about my father. I'm just grateful that you joined us. I'm sick of having the most famous name on every ship I ride.))

Aximili's eyes twinkle. ((I am honored to be of service.))


	45. 933 Bivsitz

After two hours, I open the video link again. "Proceed."

"Rest assured that the Andalites are as haughty as ever," the alien speaks in fluent _Galard_."They would not dare to violate the existing treaties, and none of them care enough about peace talks to be trapped as a member of my species."

I'm impressed—there is little love lost between her and our rivals. Perhaps we can have a substantive discussion. "Then who are you?"

"An ambassador who wants to replace these tedious, outdated tracts just like you. More specifically, I am a Hork-Bajir. My name is Toby Hamee."


	46. 999 Jordan

All over the world people are celebrating—I'm such a convenient little hero, who didn't fight long enough to get her hands too dirty, took a hit for the team, and came out on top. The perfect little inspirational tale.

Rachel is in eagle morph, perched next to the cake. ((Okay, we're singing _Happy Birthday_ now, um…yeah, you know what it sounds like. Tom is tone-deaf.))

My name is Jordan Berenson, today is my eighteenth birthday, and I will never again be larger than a flea. But it's okay. My tone-deaf cousin is trying to sing. That's enough for now.


	47. 1000 Jake

We're walking through the construction site, just the two of us. Sometimes I wonder why Elfangor wound up here.

And then I feel that pain, hear that voice, again, and suddenly know this would have been the day. The day I thought I died. The day I wound up waking up.

"Jake?"

I've lost Cassie twice now. Once without meaning to. I don't want to lose her again. But from now on, every day is going to be something new, not the shadow of a dream.

All our choices are interesting. And we change, we humans. It's who we are.


End file.
